last night at the republican national convention gov. sarah palin made what some call “the most important speech of her life.” palin patronized women everywhere by asking what the difference between and hockey mom and a pitt bull was. apparently it’s lipstick! sources say the original joke was suppose to refer to PMS rather than hockey moms. good job mrs. palin! can you still claim there is sexism in the media?

the crowd roared in agreement when palin took yet ANOTHER stab at obama’s qualifications by claiming that “a small-town mayor is sort of like a “community organizer,” except that you have actual responsibilities.” she then went on to say she plans to challenge the status quo, and bragged how she fought the “good ol’ boys” in alaska, and how great her family is, and blah blah blah.

so what was the most exciting part of the night (aside from counting how many times rudy giuliani would reference 9/11 in his speech)? WHEN LITTLE PIPER PALIN LICKED HER HAND TO FIX BABY TRIG’S HAIR!

yeah, we think it’s gross too.

who cares that she is the youngest person to be elected as governor of alaska. who cares if she was the first woman. who cares that she is a mother of 5 with a son scheduled to deploy to iraq on 9/11 and another with down syndrome. we don’t care! she is a moose killer. that is enough reason not to like her.

(oh, and not to mention the she has absolutely no foreign policy experience, she is a republican, she supports off shore drilling–duh her hubby is in the oil industry, and she trying to scoop up left over hilary fans. those are also reasons not to like her.)

vacation time. see ya later.

celebrity chef antony worrall thompson has apologized for recommending the use of poisonous plants in his recipes. during a really boring magazine interview about watercress and other random weeds that grow in your yard, worrall thompson told interviewers that the weed henbane was “great in salads”. worrall thompson clearly has never had henbane in his salads, otherwise he wouldn’t have been able to give the stupid interview because he would be DEAD. ooooooops! he later retracted his statement and apologized for his mistake. he said he meant to recommend “fat hen” which is also a wild herb. well, i’m pretty sure no one died because they followed his recipe since how many people waste money on healthy & organic living magazine? worrall thompson is obviously an idiot and should just go back to making grilled cheese sandwiches (the kind with white bread on one side, and wheat on the other) in an elementary school cafeteria.

the BBC has created a list of “dos and don’ts” for foreigners while in beijing for this summer’s olympic games. learning the phrase “chi fan le ma?” tops the list. it’s translated as “have you eaten?” and is important to know, cause if you just shake your head “yes” all the time you ain’t gettin’ no food son. the list also says to be prepared for locals attempting to practice their english with you. don’t get confused if you hear a beijing local constantly talking about “CHIN-ER” or “CHIN-OR”. that’s just their ridiculous heavy beijing accent. it has a strong RRRRRRR on most words and can sound like they are growling at you. the dude is just talking about CHINA. took us a while to figure that out. HI SAM! i GUESS the most important tip is not calling you waitress a whore. “xiaojie” means “miss” but can be misinterpreted to mean lady friend. a better term to use is “fuwuyuan” which is close to “garcon”. now if you call someone that and she whips out a cell phone or calculator, she definitely is a lady caller and is ready to negotiate a price! might i suggest finding one of these nice ladies at night in “sanlitun”, which is a popular bar area near worker’s stadium (SOCCER!). during the day, the starbucks at the holiday inn in the “lido” area is probably as sure thing as well. LAST, but not least. don’t be surprised if you see security guards will large guns in fine establishments like mcdonald’s or KFC. they are just protecting the chicken type product they serve there!

many so cal residents had a nice wake up call on tuesday. YES, you live near a major fault line. however, the 5.4 magnitude earthquake that struck 2 miles southwest of chino hills was the biggest they’ve felt in over a decade. luckily no one was killed or seriously injured, nor was there any major structural damage. BUT NOW californians are just sitting there in anticipation of “the big one”. there is a 99% chance that “the big one”, which will have a magnitude of 6.7 or greater, will happen in the next 30 years according to the Uniform California Earthquake Rupture Forecast. according to CNN waiting for “the big one” is just “a chance many Californians are willing to take.” no, stupid no one is going to move out of LA just to escape the possibility of an earthquake! if they move up to the bay area the risk is the same. uh, anyone remember san fransisco 1989? so ok, californians can’t escape it, but what will happen when “the big one” strikes? while on a 4th grade field trip to the san andreas fault, a geologist said that california would break off completely from the continental united states. california already has one of the largest economies in the world, why not just be a self-sufficient island floating around?

a house panel voted wednesday to cite former top white house aid, karl rove for contempt of congress. wah-hahahaaaaa. MISTA rove apparently broke the law when he failed to appear at a june 10th hearing on allegations of white house influence on the DOJ. MISTA rove is also been given credit for encouraging prosecutions against Democrats such as former Alabama Gov. Don Siegelman! MISTA rove, we are disappointed in you sir! speaker nancy pelosi says the decision is only a recommendation and a final vote will take place in september.

ROVE CLAIMS HE DIDN’T HAVE NOTHIN’ TO DO WITH THE DOJ SHENANIGANS!

minnesota wildlife officials suck. after six days of UNsuccessful attempts to remove a plastic water jug from a wild black bear’s head, they decided to SHOOT it. they claim they killed the bear to protect the public. he had a water jug on his head! how could he hurt anyone?

during this whole ordeal, the bear was not able to eat or drink, because duh! he had a jug on his head. he must have been really scared. but they just HAD to kill him. they didn’t want him “knocking over a kid”.

we hope you are in bear heaven now. THIS IS JUST A REMINDER WHY WE SHOULD RECYCLE AND NOT THROW OUT 2 1/2 GALLON PLASTIC WATER JUGS INTO THE WOODS!

and by “responsible” congressman barney frank means anyone carrying less than 100 grams, which is almost a quarter of a pound. HR 5843 would help end the frivolous arrests of responsible pot smokers in the united states but would not affect laws on growing, importing, exporting marijuana. there have been over 20 millions marijuana arrests since 1965, 11 million of those in the last 18 years. the National Organization for the Reform of Marijuana Laws (NORML) says there is a marijuana related arrest every 38 seconds. advocates believe that marijuana laws should mirror alcohol laws. who has a problem with that? oh, duh. the DEA and White House say marijuana is dangerous, and has no accepted medical use!!!!

SAVE OUR CHILDREN FROM THE CRAZY DANGEROUS POT SMOKERS!!!!

think reaaaaaaal hard about it. which is worse? an alcoholic dad that has fits of rage and beats your mom OR a pot smoking dad that loves you and the world lots and it super chill. so chill he forgot he just gave you your allowance and gave it to you again. uh, more allowance? give me the pot heads anyday.

SIDENOTE: there are tons of really good songs about smoking pot. everyone is happy and having a good time. everyone loves everyone else. there are NO happy songs about alcoholism.

chinese officials assured that internet censorship would be lifted for journalists during the olympic games. turns out, the open internet would only be extended to sites related about the “olympic competitions”. reporters are going to have a hell of a time trying to report on anything related to politics, human rights, and distaste for the PRC government. as of tuesday, the amnesty international site was still blocked along with any site with “tibet” in the address.

china’s censorship spreads way beyond sites regarding human rights and politics. THE GEORGE WASHINGTON UNIVERSITY website has been blocked since 2002. let’s not forget, all WORDPRESS sites are also blocked! that means MR. GREG SHAPIRO, who is currently in beijing, cannot read this post!