last night at the republican national convention gov. sarah palin made what some call “the most important speech of her life.” palin patronized women everywhere by asking what the difference between and hockey mom and a pitt bull was. apparently it’s lipstick! sources say the original joke was suppose to refer to PMS rather than hockey moms. good job mrs. palin! can you still claim there is sexism in the media?

the crowd roared in agreement when palin took yet ANOTHER stab at obama’s qualifications by claiming that “a small-town mayor is sort of like a “community organizer,” except that you have actual responsibilities.” she then went on to say she plans to challenge the status quo, and bragged how she fought the “good ol’ boys” in alaska, and how great her family is, and blah blah blah.

so what was the most exciting part of the night (aside from counting how many times rudy giuliani would reference 9/11 in his speech)? WHEN LITTLE PIPER PALIN LICKED HER HAND TO FIX BABY TRIG’S HAIR!

yeah, we think it’s gross too.

the BBC has created a list of “dos and don’ts” for foreigners while in beijing for this summer’s olympic games. learning the phrase “chi fan le ma?” tops the list. it’s translated as “have you eaten?” and is important to know, cause if you just shake your head “yes” all the time you ain’t gettin’ no food son. the list also says to be prepared for locals attempting to practice their english with you. don’t get confused if you hear a beijing local constantly talking about “CHIN-ER” or “CHIN-OR”. that’s just their ridiculous heavy beijing accent. it has a strong RRRRRRR on most words and can sound like they are growling at you. the dude is just talking about CHINA. took us a while to figure that out. HI SAM! i GUESS the most important tip is not calling you waitress a whore. “xiaojie” means “miss” but can be misinterpreted to mean lady friend. a better term to use is “fuwuyuan” which is close to “garcon”. now if you call someone that and she whips out a cell phone or calculator, she definitely is a lady caller and is ready to negotiate a price! might i suggest finding one of these nice ladies at night in “sanlitun”, which is a popular bar area near worker’s stadium (SOCCER!). during the day, the starbucks at the holiday inn in the “lido” area is probably as sure thing as well. LAST, but not least. don’t be surprised if you see security guards will large guns in fine establishments like mcdonald’s or KFC. they are just protecting the chicken type product they serve there!

the international olympic committee announced today that the iraqi olympic team would be banned from 08.08.08 (clever huh? oh, those chinese). APPARENTLY your politicians are not suppose to run your country’s olympic committe. so the IOC says they are sorry and sad, but i think they really just didn’t want a fist fight to explode during the opening ceremony. iraq WAS going to send some rower dudes, a dude that lifts stuff, a dude that runs, a dude that throws a heavy frisbee, and a JUDOKA dude. awesome.

7/30/08 UPDATE: IOC allows iraq to compete in games after last minute talks.

good for you britt! we had an over/under bet on when you would finally realize you looked like shit. most bets were placed waaaaaay under. cause i mean honey, you’ve been the white trash poster child for what, the last 4 years? your boys are lucky, now their friends can call you a MILF! miss britt unveiled her new look at an autism fundraiser hosted by jenny mccarthy and jim carrey. a party goer said “she looked great and seemed really happy. she smiled and clapped during the video about autism” really britt? you know autism is bad right? right?

who doesn’t love a good dc scandal? who doesn’t love tours? the post has created several self-guided tours that take you to some of dc’s most notoriously scan-tas-tic spots. head to the watergate to experience the beginning of the end for nixon! just don’t be disappointed when all you find is a bunch of old people, a crappy safeway and tons of pigeon poo. or, ask some gwu student why HOVA, which was once the notorious howard-johnson hotel, has all the windows drilled shut. suicide. not scandalous.

then make your way to the tidal basin. in 1976 rep. wilbur mills’ super scandalous secret girlfriend fanne fox aka the “argentine firecracker” drove her car into the basin while attempting to elude police. oooo scandalous! or, you can just ask some gwu student about the dude who drowned in the basin while tripping off of shrooms. not scandalous.

let’s get scandalous!

this august, will denver turn into a political powerhouse packed place? or a start-studded soirée? looks like hollywood is taking over the rocky state. kayne west and wycelf jean are scheduled performers at this years convention. it’s also rumored that celebrities such as ben affleck, scarlette johansson, warren beatty and wife annette bening, forrest whitaker, maggie gyllenhall, and ed norton jr. are planning to swing by and say hi. now let’s not forget the AWESOME corporate sponsors that will be providing the fun: united airlines, google, coors brewing company, anheuser-busch, xcel energy and telecom giants motorola. you will definitely definitely definitely not miss AT&T since they plan to have denver plastered, i mean, be plastered all over denver. with all this excitement i sure hilary, robert, bill, howard, john, al, barbara, nancy, henry, and steny will all be overlooked. what happens when you mix hollywood with politics? holp-li-tics? rock on!

free event. take the kids. take your tubes and paper shields.

who: cardboard tube fighting league

what: “washington war dance”

where: washington, DC. national mall between smithsonian “castle” & nat’l museum of history

when: saturday, july 26th 2008, 3:00 pm

why: it’s tube-tac-u-lar!

remember to wear sunblock and stay hydrated kids! forget that! better come plastered. SOMEONE had to drink the 30 rack so you could use the box.